Changing Lanes

Please visit my blog Changing Lanes

Thanks All!
Stephanie C.

Re: B. Scott Talks About His Continuous Grieving For Sister

This was a "video response" to a video post by the incomparable B. Scott regarding the constant grieving for a sister lost many years ago.. It's not really a "blog" per se, but, what the heck. It's on topic...

Blog Numba 1

Um... this was my first video blog, which I posted a link to previously. Apparently I can post the video directly, but I'm not too bright, so I'm still trying to figure this stuff out... :)

"I Just Got Back From Hell..."

I know, I know... for someone who's been so complacent about posting, I have a lot of nerve comin' on here with a link to a video (albeit my own video blog) and then someone else's lyrics. However, sometimes someone puts something into perspective so beautifully, so poetically conveying your very own thoughts, that It would be silly of me to rack my own tiny little brain to come up with something, ahem, original. So, Mr. Gary Allan, thank you for your wonderful song, the lyrics to which I have (probably illegally) included below. Yeah, yeah, I, of all people, should know better. I hope the fellow widow doesn't mind and will kindly let me slide as he, I'm sure, understands my motivation...


I just got back from Hell
And I'm standing here alive
I know it's really hard to tell
Don't know how I survived
Well, I can't say I'm doin' great
But I think I'm doin' well
That devil's gonna have to wait
Cause I just got back from hell

Well, I just got back from hell
And I guess to tell the truth
Well, I've been mad at everyone, including God and you
When you can't find no one to blame, you just blame yourself
And I know I'll never be the same
I just got back from Hell

Forgive me if I had any part
If I ever broke your heart in two
Forgive me for what I didn't know
For what I didn't say or do
And God, forgive me as well
Cause I just got back from Hell

Well, I just got back from Hell
And I need to make some plans
It's the last thing that I wanna do
But I'll do the best I can
I'm gonna learn to live again
But I think I'll sit a spell
Tell the world that I'm alive
And I just got back from Hell

I can't say that I'm doin' great
But I think I'm gettin' well
Gonna let the world know I'm alive
And I just got back from Hell

I started a video blog

I haven't completely abandoned this blog, and I'm kind of embarrassed at the fact that I haven't written anything for so long. However, I have started a video blog and I hope to be a little better at keeping up with it than I have been at keeping up with this.

New adventures forStephanie...

http://www.youtube.com/user/stefeylicious
(sorry couldn't get the dang link thing to work. I'm SURE it's me....)

-Steph C

My Baby She Wrote Me A Letter...

Dear Ethan:

I was just sitting here wallowing in my own sorrow, and I thought that I would just jot down a little note to you. So much has happened in the past couple of months, I’m sure you’ve been front row for it all, but if, by chance, you have happened to miss any of it, here we go…

The guy that ripped you away from us got 6 stinkin’ years. I am told, with “good behavior” and “work credits” he can be out in 3.5 – 4 years. Goody for him, huh? There’s so much to say about that day, but I just can’t bring myself to re-live it all. The bottom line is, at least the guys in jail for a little while. I’m sure he’ll make someone a lovely little bitch. Excuse me. Yes, I am somewhat angry. Just for you, I’ll try to control myself…

I’ve been having a bit of trouble with the issue of restitution, and I have found myself submerged in case law and legal research. Something that I never thought I’d have to involve myself in. Your mind would be boggled by some of the most disgusting nonsense. People want to “get out of” everything. No on wants to face the consequences of their actions, and the more that I research these cases, appeals, and whatnots, the sadder I become. I think what I’m most sad is, my case is not the most unjust there is. There are people here in California, and especially in other states where the laws are even more lax that are literally getting away with murder. Literally. I am astounded. Anyway, what that means to me, is the criminal court doesn’t want to require “the guy” to help me financially. They want to force my case into civil court. Unfortunately for them, I’m no idiot, and if I was angry before, now I’m absolutely PISSED and where I was asking for very little, I will now ask for everything I could possibly get my hands on by law, and I am finding that “by law” I could potentially get all of the restitution that I would seek in civil court as part of his criminal sentence. I have found some case law that supports this, and I have also found federal law that supports this as well. We’ll see what the DA has to say, but since she is now, effectively, representing me and our family, she has to operate in my best interest, one would figure (and one would highly recommend in this particular instance), so I have gotten a little more aggressive in terms of making sure that their office understands what my position is and that I know what my rights are under the California Constitution, and I will not allow them to dismiss me (or my rights). I would hope that you are somewhere approving. It has taken pretty much all of my concentration, and I hope that those with whom I orbit in this great universe understand. This is a very important hurdle, and it could be the final hurdle in terms of my dealings with the criminal proceedings and could work out in a way that would allow me to put this part of our lives behind me and get on with the important work of healing in some way. This leads me to this past Saturday…

I hung out with “the fellas” on Saturday. I guess I am glad that I did. I was very happy to be invited, I get so very lonely and though I absolutely adore the girls, sometimes I just want to do “grown up things”. At the last minute my fear of driving late at night was almost paralyzing. I was very close to calling and canceling, but I was afraid that if I didn’t go, I wouldn’t get invited again anytime soon, so off I went. I really enjoyed their company, and laughed, which I don’t do very much, so it was good. Of course, I couldn’t even contemplate the idea of having as much as half a drink and driving home, so I had a nice… coffee… but that’s alright, the company was more important. We played Uno and a little bit of poker. I think we were all equally as bad at both games, so it made it a pretty even playing field, which was good, kept everyone’s attitudes in a good place. Played a couple of hands of poker before going home. I was soooo scared driving home. I can’t stand being out past 10 or so because I have this horrible fear that everyone on the road is drunk. As much as I’ve said to myself that I would rather be there with you than left here on my own, the fact is, I’m not on my own, I have the girls to think about and to take care of and I have the absolute worst fear of being in an accident and Ava having no one, and the girls being separated. I think it’s bordering on paranoia, and at some point, when I can figure out where to find the time, I probably should see “someone” about it. Right now, I work and I come home and the thought of taking any more time away from the girls to do anything just doesn’t seem fair to them. Anyway, I made it home okay, but I shook the whole way, nervous at every intersection that someone was going to come flying through it without stopping. Anyway, when I got home I made myself a nice gin and tonic and went up to our room and… cried… and cried… and cried… While being with our friends was great, and I hope to do it more, it was the first time since you’ve been gone that I’d really gotten together with them like that and you weren’t there, and it was just so wrong. So many things that I’ve had to adjust to doing without you, but I guess I just wasn’t prepared for that or I didn’t think about it because it’s been so many months, I really got blindsided I guess. I miss you so terribly…

The rest you know. You have to know. I have to believe that you are with us, that you are with Ava and that you are aware of all of her amazing awesomeness. She’s talking up a storm and saying the most “profound” things (okay, so maybe we’d be the only ones who think her saying “yes, Mommy, I’d like some oatmeal”, or the fact that she is 2 and can spell/read her name – yeah, I know it’s only 3 letters, but she’s only 2 – is profound LOL… She’s BRILLIANT!) I’m so sad that you’re not here to tell her how proud of her you are, because I KNOW how proud of her you are, but she never got to know you the way that she should have, and now I have to end this letter because I am near tears…

I love you every day. The same as yesterday… But, again, I guess you know that, don’t you? Well, I didn’t get to say it to you enough while you were beside me, so I will continue to say it even though now you’re not.

Love you,
Stephie.

Anger Is An Energy...

Well… Once again, I've let a bit of time pass between blog posts. I've thought daily about what I should write, or what I wanted to convey, however, I just couldn't seem to find the words that really did justice to everything that I'm currently going through or feeling...

Some keywords that come to mind: fear, anxiety, sorrow, despair, nervousness, disgust... Anger…

Mr. Rotten was right. It absolutely IS an energy. Aside from my kids, it's pretty much what propels me through my day. And I won't apologize for it, at least not this week. If you've crossed my path in the last couple of weeks, look for the fruit basket after NEXT week, okay, 'cause right now I just don't have it in me to say "sorry" to anyone...

The thing that is looming overhead now is the sentencing of the bastard that made this whole mess - the stupid, STUPID, selfish, sorry excuse for a human being that snatched Ethan away and threw my entire world off its axis. On Friday, September 21, Greggory McMillion Jr. (of Castaic, if anyone is interested) will be sentenced to some measly little pittance of a sentence for what amounts to murder. I am so absolutely anxious. I feel sick and can't breathe. We'll see what I've got on Friday, I suppose, but this week has been really rough. It's like I get over one hurdle and here comes another… I got past the 6-month mark – horrible. Still reeling… Then came a "false start" on the guilty plea – it was entered 3 weeks ago, but there was a question about the charges/case law, and it was rescinded and the hearing held over for another week. Then two weeks ago came the guilty plea – "for real" this time. Then sentencing was scheduled, and now it is racing toward me at breakneck speed and I have to choice but to stand firm and face it. I feel like I'm constantly victimized by having to take part in this hideous nightmare from which I can not seem to wake to make an escape…

He pled guilty to two charges, and is currently facing a sentence of either 4/6/10 years. Since he has "no priors" we are facing an uphill battle in the "prison term" department. Since there was no trial (he pled out), the entire "human emotion" component is absent from the pool of information/knowledge/testimony the judge will be taking into consideration when it comes time to make a decision about the sentence. I've already sat in court and heard her say (with my own ears!) that since he has "no priors", he "most likely won't be facing the maximum sentence". Now, how the hell are you going to sit in court, as the judge who is alone (no jury) in weighing the evidence and deciding the sentence of a murderer, and say something like that WITHOUT EVEN SERIOUSLY REVIEWING THE ENTIRE CASE??? It felt as if she had already made a decision based purely on his past, and not on WHAT HE DID, which was kill a human being!!! I will see how this all plays out, however, if this kid gets a "slap on the wrist", this judge will definitely be looking at a formal complaint based on the transcripts of that hearing which, obviously, document her comment and show "bias" prior to review of the facts of the case. This is a person (though barely) who pulled over on the freeway. Sat on the shoulder. Contemplated what to do. Then proceeded to make a U-turn on a major U.S. highway. He avoided going the wrong way on the interchange, which is what he would have done if he REALLY wasn't aware of what he was doing (by the way, that's the defense: he was drunk, so he can't be held accountable for his actions because he couldn't have known what he was doing…), and then carried on down the highway at 75 miles-per-hour in the wrong direction in the fast lane. There are many witness accounts from the preliminary hearing, and these, along with the police accounts and 911 calls are now the only "testimony" that can be considered. I, along with some of Ethan's family and friends, will make our best attempt to let the court know what kind of man Ethan was and how much we, and the world, lost when Ethan was killed. I'm sure that some of Mr. McMillion's family and friends will be there with bells on (though no one has been there the entire time, most notably absent have been the wonderful friends of his that got him drunk and allowed him to drive all the way from North Hollywood to Castaic at almost twice the legal limit in the first place. They've all been sure to lay low…), to take the opportunity to stand up in court and tell the judge the usual: how he is such a "nice" boy, how this is an isolated incident, how he "didn't MEAN to kill anybody", how the knowledge of what he did is punishment enough and he should be sentenced lightly, etc. – all in an effort to downplay the fact that my husband was already sentenced to a life term, and by comparison, any sentence given to this guy under the current law is "getting off easy". A human life worth less than 10 years? I can not understand it. A judge that can proclaim that she concurs that a human life is worth less than 10 years? Even worse…

On that note, I have been pondering for a very long time what I will say that morning. I've had months to think about it, however, now that the actual time is upon me, I've suddenly become, well, overwhelmed with so many words/emotions that I can't straighten any of it out or make any sense of anything. Aside from telling Ethan that I loved him on Saturday, February 17th, these are probably going to be the most important words that will ever pass my lips. But what will I say? How do you sum up a man, a family, a lifetime of dreams and memories lost before we are given the opportunity to make them, all in a matter of minutes… all out in the open, for the world to hear… all to be heard and pondered as a matter of life or death? Okay, so the guy isn't facing a death sentence (no - that was given to Ethan), but this as close to redemption for Ethan's death as we are ever going to get. I guess I'd probably better stop writing here, and start organizing my thoughts as Friday will be here before you know it.

If you pray, please pray for my family. If you don't, but have considered it, now would be a GREAT time to take up the activity. If you regularly get spiritual advice from a rock in the backyard, your dog, or a tree, please share "positive thoughts" for us. Beggars can't be choosers and I'll take all the love I can get right now…