Anger Is An Energy...

Well… Once again, I've let a bit of time pass between blog posts. I've thought daily about what I should write, or what I wanted to convey, however, I just couldn't seem to find the words that really did justice to everything that I'm currently going through or feeling...

Some keywords that come to mind: fear, anxiety, sorrow, despair, nervousness, disgust... Anger…

Mr. Rotten was right. It absolutely IS an energy. Aside from my kids, it's pretty much what propels me through my day. And I won't apologize for it, at least not this week. If you've crossed my path in the last couple of weeks, look for the fruit basket after NEXT week, okay, 'cause right now I just don't have it in me to say "sorry" to anyone...

The thing that is looming overhead now is the sentencing of the bastard that made this whole mess - the stupid, STUPID, selfish, sorry excuse for a human being that snatched Ethan away and threw my entire world off its axis. On Friday, September 21, Greggory McMillion Jr. (of Castaic, if anyone is interested) will be sentenced to some measly little pittance of a sentence for what amounts to murder. I am so absolutely anxious. I feel sick and can't breathe. We'll see what I've got on Friday, I suppose, but this week has been really rough. It's like I get over one hurdle and here comes another… I got past the 6-month mark – horrible. Still reeling… Then came a "false start" on the guilty plea – it was entered 3 weeks ago, but there was a question about the charges/case law, and it was rescinded and the hearing held over for another week. Then two weeks ago came the guilty plea – "for real" this time. Then sentencing was scheduled, and now it is racing toward me at breakneck speed and I have to choice but to stand firm and face it. I feel like I'm constantly victimized by having to take part in this hideous nightmare from which I can not seem to wake to make an escape…

He pled guilty to two charges, and is currently facing a sentence of either 4/6/10 years. Since he has "no priors" we are facing an uphill battle in the "prison term" department. Since there was no trial (he pled out), the entire "human emotion" component is absent from the pool of information/knowledge/testimony the judge will be taking into consideration when it comes time to make a decision about the sentence. I've already sat in court and heard her say (with my own ears!) that since he has "no priors", he "most likely won't be facing the maximum sentence". Now, how the hell are you going to sit in court, as the judge who is alone (no jury) in weighing the evidence and deciding the sentence of a murderer, and say something like that WITHOUT EVEN SERIOUSLY REVIEWING THE ENTIRE CASE??? It felt as if she had already made a decision based purely on his past, and not on WHAT HE DID, which was kill a human being!!! I will see how this all plays out, however, if this kid gets a "slap on the wrist", this judge will definitely be looking at a formal complaint based on the transcripts of that hearing which, obviously, document her comment and show "bias" prior to review of the facts of the case. This is a person (though barely) who pulled over on the freeway. Sat on the shoulder. Contemplated what to do. Then proceeded to make a U-turn on a major U.S. highway. He avoided going the wrong way on the interchange, which is what he would have done if he REALLY wasn't aware of what he was doing (by the way, that's the defense: he was drunk, so he can't be held accountable for his actions because he couldn't have known what he was doing…), and then carried on down the highway at 75 miles-per-hour in the wrong direction in the fast lane. There are many witness accounts from the preliminary hearing, and these, along with the police accounts and 911 calls are now the only "testimony" that can be considered. I, along with some of Ethan's family and friends, will make our best attempt to let the court know what kind of man Ethan was and how much we, and the world, lost when Ethan was killed. I'm sure that some of Mr. McMillion's family and friends will be there with bells on (though no one has been there the entire time, most notably absent have been the wonderful friends of his that got him drunk and allowed him to drive all the way from North Hollywood to Castaic at almost twice the legal limit in the first place. They've all been sure to lay low…), to take the opportunity to stand up in court and tell the judge the usual: how he is such a "nice" boy, how this is an isolated incident, how he "didn't MEAN to kill anybody", how the knowledge of what he did is punishment enough and he should be sentenced lightly, etc. – all in an effort to downplay the fact that my husband was already sentenced to a life term, and by comparison, any sentence given to this guy under the current law is "getting off easy". A human life worth less than 10 years? I can not understand it. A judge that can proclaim that she concurs that a human life is worth less than 10 years? Even worse…

On that note, I have been pondering for a very long time what I will say that morning. I've had months to think about it, however, now that the actual time is upon me, I've suddenly become, well, overwhelmed with so many words/emotions that I can't straighten any of it out or make any sense of anything. Aside from telling Ethan that I loved him on Saturday, February 17th, these are probably going to be the most important words that will ever pass my lips. But what will I say? How do you sum up a man, a family, a lifetime of dreams and memories lost before we are given the opportunity to make them, all in a matter of minutes… all out in the open, for the world to hear… all to be heard and pondered as a matter of life or death? Okay, so the guy isn't facing a death sentence (no - that was given to Ethan), but this as close to redemption for Ethan's death as we are ever going to get. I guess I'd probably better stop writing here, and start organizing my thoughts as Friday will be here before you know it.

If you pray, please pray for my family. If you don't, but have considered it, now would be a GREAT time to take up the activity. If you regularly get spiritual advice from a rock in the backyard, your dog, or a tree, please share "positive thoughts" for us. Beggars can't be choosers and I'll take all the love I can get right now…