Confidence In High Speed

For six months I've been trying to figure out "why" this had to happen to Ethan. To me. To Ava. To Ethan's parents, two of the most selfless, lovely people you could ever meet. And I run through the range of emotions: anger, sadness, fear, guilt, powerlessness, anxiety, depression… You name it. If it's "negative" I feel it on a daily basis. Probably a couple-a-times-a-day-ly-basis. However, every once in a while there will be a moment of clarity. Always a very brief moment, as the positive thoughts always give way to a river of tears, but for a moment of my life I can think positive thoughts while looking back on the relationship between Ethan and I before we got to this... wretched... place…

Our relationship got off to a bit of a slow roll. Actually, and so many of you already know this, our relationship started off going backwards. We actually had a fight the first time we met. Ethan and I would later talk about this night and laugh hysterically. It was such nonsense. I won't share here, but, trust, it's pretty funny. Anyway, a few months would pass before we would find ourselves in each others company once more, and I'm so very glad we did, though it would still be a while before I would realize that. I know there was a bit of effort on the part of a couple of our friends, but I was a very reluctant participant in this dance. I was older. I had a kid. I wanted a serious relationship. He worked in Music. Nope, it would never work. But suddenly he was around a lot, and I got to know him a little better. So funny. And sweet. With beautiful eyes and an enormous smile. So finally on one fateful All Hallows Eve, I decided, before venturing out, that I was being silly and this was a man who really wanted to get to know on a more personal basis. Since that night, I can count on my hands the number of days that we spent apart. WE were instant. There was not a day that went by that we didn't see one another, unless it was absolutely unavoidable - that Thanksgiving was so lonely as he had a standing date with the fellas in Vegas. That would be their last Thanksgiving "hurrah". On that subject, I will apologize guys, I never meant to be the Yoko Ono to your annual blitzfest. so please know that it wasn't intentional… He went home for Christmas that year as well and we talked so much on the phone you would have thought he was on some world-wide expedition for years somewhere, not at his parents house for 4 days. We would move in together very quickly by most standards. That same year I became pregnant with Ava. We got married, and several months later welcomed our little muffin. The year following that, we bought our first (and last) house and settled in for a nice quiet ride into the sunset of our lives.

We packed a lot into less than 4 years. It was like the relationship X-Games, from beginning to end it was fast and very extreme. We loved each other deeply, completely and intensely. Sometimes we fought intensely as well. It wasn't always rosey at our house. For all the kindness in his eyes, he was exceptionally impatient. And, if you're here, you probably know me, and, well, I probably don't have to explain to you just how bad my attitude can get. Those two things didn't jibe well sometimes, so every once in a while we'd mix it up a bit. But, regardless of all that, we never stopped loving each other. Not for a minute. There was no question…

I often think that, despite our slow beginings, the fates knew that we were not destined to have one another for long. As if we were being pushed along by some unknown, unseen force for our love to be fast and be strong. We had to get it all in before we ran out of time. We had a 10 year relationship in less than 4 years. I know and fully appreciate how very blessed I am to have had him in my life, to bear his child - our incredibly amazing little girl - and to have been given the opportunity to love him and be loved by him.

I love and miss him every second of every day...