The psyche is such a strange thing. We have no control over it, it seams, regardless of whether or not we "think we know better", or try to follow the mantra "mind over matter". Truth is, matter will always matter where the mind is concerned and there's not a darn thing you can do about it.
It's so strange how one day can be really hard to get through and the very next day can be okay. That's not to say that there is ever a day that goes by that I don't think of Ethan, but I am able to do it without falling apart sometimes, and other times the smallest thing can trigger a memory that sends me into a tail spin. For example, some days Ava can accomplish a new milestone and I can smile and hug her and think about how proud her dad would be, other days a similar accomplishment will cause me to cry and hold her as I think of how proud her dad would be…
I get told, or it is insinuated to me, often that I need to "relax", that I "can't do anything about it, so deal with it". I'm supposed to shut off my minds natural propensity (to grieve, to worry about my children, my finances, the future of my family and home situation…) and override it's pre-wired behavior by telling myself that I'm okay? I'm supposed to lie to myself until I've talked myself into believing those lies to be true. I don't know if I can do that. To talk myself into believing I'm okay would be to talk myself into believing that what happened to Ethan was okay, and it's not and never will be. That fact brings to me the conclusion that I will never be okay. I am doomed to be trapped in this prison of emotion for the rest of my life, and I don't know what to do about it… Like a really God-awful rollercoaster that I can't ever get off.
I just want to get off…
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